My Resilience Story

begins in the womb.

Adopted at birth, I carried my teenage, bio-mother’s trauma and pain in the cells of my body. The message passed forward in my DNA was a story of loss and shame.

My shame led to a paralyzing unconscious fear of rejection, which grew in the dark and became the driving force behind my motivations to achieve, fit in, gain love, and seek approval.

By age three I learned that by perfecting, pleasing, and performing I could gain others’ approval and create a breadcrumb trail to my value and worth. For 35 years my drive was motivated by a fear lying underneath the level of my awareness, all in an effort to feel safe, soothed, seen and loved.

My flash of insight came with the birth of my daughter. With her first breath, my nervous system settled and I felt unconditional love for the first time. In that instant, I reconnected to my own true nature and initiated my own rebirth. I understood at a cellular level that my worth was never in question. 

I recognized two profound truths: the person getting in my way was myself, and if failed to connect to myself I would fail to connect to my daughter. My authenticity could not be compromised without a reciprocal affect on my child. My wellbeing mattered.

I realized that fear disconnects me from my own true nature. I had been living my life governed by my socially conditioned self --the part of me who thought status, income, achievement, image, social circles and productivity defined my value and delivered my happiness.

Learning to source personal nourishment by reconnecting to my essential self became, and remains, my daily practice. 


Where am I now? What have I learned?

 

My wellbeing matters profoundly – resilience is not a nice-to-have life skill; it is my essential life skill. Learning to source nourishment and joy continues to change my life and my ecosystem. Every. Single. Day. Moment-by-moment.

Everything is connected. I am either adding to the life force and energy that governs our universe, or I am taking away from this life force and energy. What I think governs what I do, and what I do directly impacts others and our environment. I can choose to awaken to this connection or I can choose to ignore it. Connection is my choice.

An essential part of my awakening is the recognition of the unawakened parts of me, my ego as it thinks, speaks and acts, as well as the recognition of the collectively conditioned mental processes that hold me captive.

I no longer measure my value. I have awakened to the essential part of my inner most being. And she is magnificent. My metric of success is no longer measurable by outside influences. Each day my behaviors are measured by an inner metric – is this life giving or is this life depleting? How does my body feel about this experience right now?

I did not get here alone, and I do not learn in a vacuum. I need mentors, coaches and teachers who can see through my blind spots – the story and narrative I have accumulated along my journey that keeps me in the dark.

Sourcing wellbeing is an intentional, slow, life-long engagement and unfolding that is facilitated with self-acceptance, radical self-compassion and a deep desire to awaken. Any attempt to rush, force, grasp, perfect, or numb impedes my wellbeing and results in a shallow and lifeless experience.

I make mistakes every single day. I welcome them. 


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